What if I could take the idea of tomorrow away.

Two years ago I expressed an interest in doing the Landmark forum and their sales team kicked in with relentless enthusiasm, so much so that I made every excuse not to do it. My resistance was huge, eventually they gave up and I was relieved. 

This time it seems the universe was “Well your going to do it” but we need to get around your resistance so it’s going to be a set of synchronicities, quiet nudges and conversations, so there I sat.

I’ve heard what they were talking about for the last 5 years - it’s been my exploration of the mind, ego and what we are not. I found it hard to not let my learnings and knowledge block me from hearing something new. Seperating cleverness from not knowing. Transformation isn’t found in the old, it's in now, and fuck that’s so rote - a saying that’s bandied around in spiritual and new age circles - but it's true and can still be so blah in my head. 

“What if I could take the prospect of tomorrow away?” Michelle said “As it’s not a given!” “What would that propel you into action with now?” Michelle the Forum teacher, an ex-chartered accountant of Chinese origin who lives in Canada, laughed her very odd laugh, like she knew a cosmic joke.  Michelle held the space for 200 odd people of all ages, backgrounds, ethnicity, couples, mates and solo's for three whole days from 9 am to 10 pm. 3 hour sessions, she drank protein shakes in the coffee breaks so she could speak to the ones like me who had questions and there was always a queue, even when I left at 10 pm she was still putting herself out there to help people. Her absolute passion and service kept her alight - magnetic to say the least.

I watched one person after another realise that I am not what I think, that we are meaning machines. That until we get this there is a 3, 4 or 6 year old's imagination running the show in our adulthood. The thoughts I have, have no inherant value or meaning - it's a rolodex lottery of what comes up. 

And I got why the sales team are so persistant - When you get this why wouldn't you want this for every other human being - the freedom to know you can create whatever reality you choose and not leave it to the lottery board or a 6 year old's meaning machine. I encountered many blind spots that have been running my show and life for 61 years and with each I was lighter and more laughable - once I got past the tears and smudged mascara - trust me there was much of that on day two, along with utter exhaustion. 

I phoned my brother who I haven't spoken to for 8 years since my mothers death, when my final words to him were "I don't ever want to fucking talk to you again!" My seeing that when I'm living with that angst of emotion the only one to lose is me in that story. We had a two hour conversation and I saw two completely different realities at play. Same situations - different seeings. I was able to put the phone down and be at peace with myself - something became completed, a neutral place reached, a story unstitched. Whether we ever speak again is irrelevant that wasn't the point it was an action now to change an persistant outcome. A new possisiblity.

Doing the same thing will only ever bring the same thing. No new possibility. 

Tonight I am booked on a poetry and pizza evening - 5 minutes to read my poetry out. My husband has taken the car to heathrow to drop my daughter and her girlfriend off who is going off to Asia and India for 8 weeks - Omg I will miss her - So I have no car, a very broken nights sleep with dogs and I clocked my head going "Oh don't be bothered, stay home your tired - it is all inconvenient" and walked back to my kitchen and picked up my phone and booked a taxi for 6.30 to take me there. 

No new action no new possibility - New action new possibiity. 

Once I got over their sales pitch and sat with my husband and said "If you had something that could transform peoples lives wouldn't you sell the fuck out of it! 

Only always....

Love 

Gx